Due to the inhuman work schedule The Angry Stockbroker sets up for himself every week certain basic human needs are not always met. The past few months we've seen a slight pullback in the amount of flossing we do here at Castle Currington. Basically we've gone from "flossing when we know we're going to the dentist next week" to "Screw that guy. I'll floss if I feel like it. He's not the boss of me."
Well apparently he is the boss of me. When you're lying on that vinyl La-Z-Boy with your mouth cranked open like a little pink suitcase the guy with the needle and pick is absolutely the boss of you.
Why is it the dentist is never able to find the right place to stick the Novacaine? This guy spent 10 minutes stabbing the inside of my mouth with his medicated javelin before he finally decided he'd done enough damage. ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A VEIN YOU CROSS-EYED COAL MINER?!?! IT'S ALL GUM YOU FREAK! STICK IT IN, NUMB IT UP AND MOVE IT ALONG!
Have you ever checked your oil at night without a flashlight? You know how you can't find the hole in the dark so you just keep jamming the dipstick down into the engine compartment till you find it? That's what Johnny Cuspid was doing. Just jamming that needle down into my mouth until my eyes hit three cherries and he could move on to pounding my teeth with a brick and a chisel.
Yes. Brick and chisel. I'm sure that's what he was using. Either that or a cold steel pickaxe taken off a frozen miner on the Chilkoot Trail. How is it we can do laser surgery on delicate corneas but we're still fixing teeth with scissor jacks and a crowbar? If eye surgery is an iPod, dental surgery is a gramophone run by a one-armed paint huffer.
Then after all this, the dental hygenist wearing a Goofy smock hands me a toothbrush and tells me the new design should take care of my cavity problems. New design? Is the human mouth evolving at such an alarming rate the we need to redesign our toothbrushes?
Have you seen the new toothbrushes Proctor & Gamble (PG) is coming out with? No wonder their stock is creeping up slower than Stephen Hawking on a escalator. Seven new toothbrush designs in the last few months alone. Insane! Why don't you go ahead a redesign the tongue depressor while you're at it you waterbrained mantards. This is what you're doing with your R&D money? Here's an idea: instead of reinventing a BRUSH why don't you put some money into figuring out how to keep your food factories clean so my dog's liver doesn't explode when he eats your VOLCANIC PUPPY CHOW!
Do we really need your new Pulsar Pro-Health with Micropulse bristles? First of all, take the "Pro" out of there. Do you have a professional gum scrubbing demo team touring the nation? No? Then you don't get to use "Pro" in the name. Secondly, I'm tired of micropulses. I didn't need them on your stupid five-blade razor (Brilliant! Shaking razor blades. How about a vibrating watch so I can't tell the time? Or vibrating underwear so it always feels like I have to pee.) and I don't need them on your twirling gum grouter.
P & G also has a toothbrush with a pressure-sensitive head that "adjusts to the contours of your teeth." Yeah, that's exactly what I need. I'm so stupid I have no idea how much pressure I'm putting on my teeth. Usually I just START PUNCHING MYSELF ALONG THE GUM LINE AND WAIT FOR THE PLAQUE TO FALL OFF!
Their "CrossAction" toothbrush has an ergonomically designed handle in case you're running the Queen's Invitational Steeplechase and you notice your teeth feel a little furry. It has a rubber grip with front and back thumb stops for "firmer grip and better control." Yeah, I don't know how many times I've been brushing my teeth and my toothbrush suddenly flew out of my hand and ricocheted around the bathroom. I remember thinking, "Jesus, if we can put a man on the moon you'd think we could invent a toothbrush that didn't slide out of my hand like a greased pig."
Is this a big problem? Toothbrushes flying all over the bathroom every morning? Extra rubber with front and back thumb stops? I've see less grip on a samurai sword and I've never been attacked by ninjas while I'm squeezing the Crest.
We are not even going to go into all the money P & G has spent re-envisioning dental floss. DON'T THINK IT ISN'T BEING DONE AS WE SPEAK! Proctor & Gamble has a team of visionaries working on this right now and don't be surprised if their new AccuFloss Dental Wire comes with a battery and moisture sensor to tell you when your gums are bleeding.
