Last week, Chiquita Banana (CQB) pleaded guilty to paying Colombian terrorists protection money. Is there something going on here I'm not aware of? What kind of terrorist organization goes after a banana truck? How much banana bread do they think we're eating over here? Were they trying to bring the Wisconsin Granny Cartel to it's knees?
Colombian banana mule
preparing to cross border
Undated photo of Doris 'Nana' Lipschitz in her kitchen
with 17 kilos of high quality Wisconsin Thunder Muffins.
If these criminals are brazen enough to go after America's 17th favorite fruit where will they strike next? I've heard rumors of kumquat terrorists in Brazil. And what about the cherry tomato gangsters of Nicaragua? They could bring the entire side salad industry to it's knees! If Costa Rica doesn't post extra guards along the blue cheese pipeline it's fooling itself.
Authorities say a well placed peel is often the most
effective weapon against banana jackings
The Angry Stockbroker has decided to personally
go after this terrorist leader.
Has Chiquita Banana lost it's corporate mind? Who the hell pays protection money to banana terrorists? Don't these things grow anywhere it's hot and sticky? Wouldn't that would be every hotel room in Florida? And who cares about bananas in the first place? I can't have a banana? Fine. I'll have a nice peach. NO ONE EVER BROKE INTO A HOUSE AND STOLE THE BANANAS!!!
Banana bread is often cut with other more dangerous
The Angry Stockbroker is busting his hump on Mount Funny this week but it's hard work. I got shows to do, a kid to raise, and a cat to kick. Yes, it's true. Sometimes I have to pull my head out of the Ha Hole and actually live my life. This means I'm cutting down to one or two posts a week plus the occasional review, recommendation or blasphemous horoscope.
So here are The Angry Stockbroker's Tips for a Happy Web LIfe:
Go to Payback is a Picture Go right now. This site is inspired evil. People send in embarrassing pictures of ex's who done somebody wrong and we're the lucky mugs who get to see them. Public pain always makes me uncomfortable but somehow I'm ok with this site. Be careful, kiddos. There's occasionally nudity. So don't log on at work. But visit it today before this site goes through the roof and his server crashes.
Next time you feel like calling your best friend to whine about your parents we invite you to visit Parents Behaving Badly. If you ever wondered why some kids turn out the way they do go to this site and find out why. Mothers who give their babies cocaine, couples who have sex in front of their pre-teen children, yes it's all here in in it's bloggity glory. Be careful, it's nasty and depressing. I don't recommend reading more than a story or two at a time. But if you're a parent, like me, you can always make your kid read it to show him how much worse it could get if he doesn't do the dishes.
Lastly, If you're looking for interesting news items with well-written personal commentary I recommend Count Ramblings. I don't know how long he's been blogging or writing in general but all this stuff is well written and interesting. That may seem like light praise but I tell you it is a rare blogger whose work I can stand to read past the second sentence.
Plus, he weeds through the chaff to find just the perfect story to highlight. No need to read 17 screens of Britney's binge drinking or Paris's autoerotic sex fantasies. Count gives us the stories we need to riled up over and intersperses some cool personal vignettes.
It says in his bio that he writes and maintains 9 blogs. How the hell he does this is beyond me. He must have three heads, four arms and a band of typing midgets to get all that accomplished. He is clearly nine times the blogger I am.
That's all for now. Come back in a day or so for the promised funny.
Don't forget: The Angry Stockbroker loves links! Feel free to link, review, recommend, and pass on the ol' URL to anyone with a fully functioning brain stem.
Street, what are you doing? Are we in a fight? Why do you hate my little ONT? Last year we were at 0.7, today we're at 1.50. If Proctor & Gamble doubled their price in that amount of time my broker would be sending me underage Laotian hookers for Christmas. Merrill Lynch interns would be snorting Folgers crystals and shaving 50-day moving averages into their neck hair.
Who are these mysterious analysts The Street is consulting? Did they interrupt somebody's mahjongg game to ask a bunch of yentas what they think of GM's P/E ratio? How do they come to these conclusions? KNOT's stock going down faster than my Aunt Mona in an earthquake and The Street's peddling it like it's the last bean in Taco Bell.
Do you even know what these guys do, Street? I'll tell you what they do. They make video compression software so that teenagers can watch YouTube videos of other kids riding their bikes down stairs and hand rails. And why do I want teenagers watching dangerous stunts? So that more teenagers will go out and do those stunts and SMASH THEIR NUTS ON A PONTIAC TRAILER HITCH!
At least twice a week some 15-year-old on a bike screams up behind me on the sidewalk at 200 mph scaring the hell out of me and causing a little drop of pee to leak out. If ONT can develop the technology to bring stem cell rejects like Johnny Knoxville to the phones and iPods of America's teenagers maybe we can get more of these kids jumping off their parents' garages and driving their testicles up into their kidneys.
Sure, I know it's cruel to trick kids into hurting themselves but we're not talking about the best and the brightest here. We're talking about genome castoffs like this kid:
We've got to keep America's mongoloids from breeding! Think of it as Presexual Abortion. Or birth control if it was a contact sport. Honestly, do we want this guy peeing in the gene pool?
Please support ONT as much as possible. Buy their stock, send them cookies, tag your local schoolyard with their ticker symbol. Whatever it takes to help natural selection take it's course and keep The Angry Stockbroker from peeing his pants while he walks down the street.
Pfizer. I'm putting all my money in Pfizer. These guys could sell Rolaids to a cannibal. Last month the FDA approved the company's newest super pill, Slentrol, a prescription drug for overweight dogs. IT'S A DIET PILL FOR DOGS!
It's bad enough we have a nation of lumbering pachyderms driving up healthcare costs. Now we can't even keep our dogs from overeating? How do you NOT keep your dog from overeating? Does Puddles have opposable thumbs? Is he getting into the doggie Ding Dong's while you sleep?
Depressed because his mother was a bitch
This man gave up and ate his dog
Also, have you ever tried to give a dog a pill? You need three arms, chainmail and a plunger. So you know how we're going to end up giving this diet pill to Little Fatty Boom Boom, right? WE'RE GOING TO HIDE IT IN A BOWL OF FOOD! Lonely housewives all over America will be feeding their yappy rat dogs extra food to keep them from eating extra food. Of course if it's a male dog they could buy it in a lotion and rub it on his balls.
This is how I give my dog a pill
Maybe the bigger question is how did the nation's dogs get so fat in the first place? I've never seen a dog eating a Big Mac. What the hell is going on here? Well, maybe it has something to do with this:
$250 doggy paddy wagon
If you listen close you can hear the cat
whispering "Kill me. Please. Tie me in a bag
and throw me off a bridge."
I think I see a solution here. Maybe if America's couch hippos would get out of the house and talk to people they wouldn't have to pretend their purebred Belgian Border Schnauzer is their best friend. MAYBE IF AMERICA'S TWO-LEGGED BUTTER LAPPERS WOULD STOP PAINTING THEIR PUPPY'S NAILS AND SPRAYING THEM WITH COLOGNE WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO WASTE TIME RESEARCHING SHIH TZU SLIMFAST!!!
Make sure your bulldog's lipstick
matches his nail polish
Dog perfume
World may be coming to end
I cannot go on. My dog thinks his butthole tastes like a lemony Lifesaver, why would I waste money on Collie Cologne? The real problem is people spending thousands of dollars on insulin for their pets while half of America doesn't have health insurance. Sigh. It's 11 am on a Sunday. I must go out and see if they sell liquor before noon in this town.
__________________________ Ticker Click: Pfizer may be at the bottom of a 7-year slide at $24.99. If they can talk us into buying these things they're capable of anything. Stay tuned.
Update: If your pet really needs to lose weight I recommend getting him Eukanuba, Iams, Paws, or any other food on the recall list that just came out. 40 different brands of pet food cause vomiting, kidney failure and death. Buy a quick bag and sue Menu Foods for killing your Samoyed, Peekaboo.
One thing I love about big business is their efforts to keep their finger on the pulse of the nation. Sometimes they're right on, but other times they miss the pulse entirely and stick their finger up your nose, in your eye, and occasionally jam both fingers up their own butt.
Last year, Coke, in the middle of a nine-year slide toward carbonated impotence, decided to bring back TAB. Yes, TAB. You remember TAB, right? TAB is the Bea Arthur of diet sodas. It's horrible! If TAB was in the Special Olympics it wouldn't even get a hug.
TAB did this to me
How many investors is Coke water boarding by bringing back the worst soda in the history of fizzy drinks?!?! I defy anyone to come up with a worse soft drink. It can't be done. TAB TASTES LIKE WILFORD BRIMLEY'S ORDOR EATER!!! What the hell is in this stuff? Thalidomide?
This man's mother drank four ounces of TAB
in third week of pregnancy
What corporate gasbag decided TAB was going to be the thing that pulled this company out of a flat spin? That guy should be forced to eat his own toenails BECAUSE THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT TAB TASTES LIKE! Rancid ear wax and dead man's toenails!
Last man on earth who drinks TAB.
Currently trying to break his personal best on Pong.
But it doesn't stop there. Not only did they bring back TAB they also rebranded it. It's no longer a "great tasting low-cal drink" like it was in the 80s. Now it's an energy drink. Are you kidding me? TAB is an energy drink like crystal meth is a weight loss program. Just because something contains 8,000 grams of sugar, B-12 and toe fungus doesn't mean it's an energy drink. Suck a toad, Coke. TAB might cure back pimples and kill bathroom mold but it ain't no energy drink.
If you need another reason to question Coke's corporate brainwave activity go to TAB's website. In between pictures of beautiful woman not drinking TAB you can click on a link that will send you daily inspirational messages from the great sages that brought this vile pile out of the crypt. Every day you'll get nuggets like, "Follow Your Heart" and "Create Your Future" and "If Swallowed, Do Not Induce Vomiting."
Coke, in a moment of madness, ok's this commercial
Ten years later Coke has relapse and airs second creepy commercial
Random Thought: It's possible, just possible, that there has been a worse tasting soft drink than TAB. If you know of one leave a comment and The Angry Stockbroker will research it and feature it in a follow up post.
Every now and then the clouds part and The Angry Stockbroker sees a little ray of sunshine in the world. This week's ray of sunshine comes from two strippers in Atlanta.
Angry Brokerheads may remember that Crank of America is the place that wanted to charge me $5 to cash a check drawn on their own bank. The manager said that was the charge for "choosing not to open an account with them." I said, "What if I choose not to take a dump on your rubber tree," what's that worth, Lady? That's when the 80-year-old security guard reached for his inhaler and I decided it was time to head over to my regular bank, Washington Mutual, where the air is clean, the tellers pure, and every Friday the loan department explains no-load mutual funds to the kids at the orphanage.
But last week, two dopey strippers tired of pole burns and wrinkled singles, held up a Bank of America getting away with over $500. Ha! The Wheel of Karmic Justice runs over the Possum of Bad Service! Rarely, do the gods intervene so clearly in human affairs but this has the sweet, sweet smell of divine retribution. That's what happens when you screw The Angry Stockbroker. YOU GET ROBBED BY A COUPLE OF POLE MONKEYS!!!
Police photo of bank robbers
demanding the money
Ashley Miller and Heather Johnston, fresh off the afternoon shift at Shooter Alley, walked up to teller Benny Herman Allen III, grabbed all the cash in his drawer and ran off into the hot Atlanta sun. The only thing that could have made this more perfect was if B of A was playing the Muzak version of Sweet Child O' Mine at the time.
Sadly, our exotic dancers/criminal masterminds were caught after a short chase ending at Six Flags Amusement Park. Stupid stripper! YOU DON'T ESCAPE FROM THE POLICE BY JUMPING ON A FERRIS WHEEL!!!
Their first attempt at robbing parking meters
ended in failure
There are so many beautiful things about this story I don't know which is is my favorite.
1. They're working the afternoon shift at Club Hump. Is there anything more humbling than getting the afternoon shift at a strip club? Don't ask me how I know this but there's nothing in a strip club between the hours of noon and four but broken dreams and battered hearts. You're dancing for glue sniffers and homeless stevedores. Committing a federal crime is actually a step up.
2. The teller's name is Benny Herman Allen III. Only in Georgia do people think "Benny Herman" is a name that needs to be treasured and passed on like daddy's bass rod or the Dale Ernhardt collectible bed pan/egg poacher.
3. Miller's mother swears her daughter has nothing to do with the ecstasy and marijuana found with the girls, stating, "she's a sweet girl with a big heart." Honey, your daughter's a bank robbing stripper on the outskirts of Atlanta. YOU DON'T GET TO CALL YOUR DAUGHTER SWEET IF SHE'S FLASHING HER CERVIX TO ANY GUY WITH AN ATM CARD!!!
_________________________________________ Ticker Click: BOC down 48 cents today as ugly strippers make drive through deposits one dollar at a time.
Yesterday the lines at Starbucks were out the door. People were running from blocks around to get into the place. You'd think they were paying off student loans in there or something. Now, I always go next door to our locally owned coffee shop because the barristas are nice, the customers like to talk to each other, and the shop itself doesn't seem bent on world domination. I look for that in my retailers.
But when everyone in town is running in one direction YOU DON'T JUST STAND THERE LIKE AN IDIOT! You run, jack, you run because Godzilla's going to tear off your head like a chocolate easter bunny if you don't.
So I'm running with the pack and looking over my shoulder for Gigan or Mothra or whatever rubber monster is about to crush downtown Seattle and where do I end up when the crowd of sweaty housewives and state workers finally comes to a halt? Starbucks! I just ran a 4-second forty to end up in the Brownbean Blowhole of the Universe!
Now I'm standing in line between Sheryl Crowe CD's and the latest European SuckPump Coffee Press when a little blonde girl in a green apron walks up and hands me a cup of coffee.
"What's this?" I ask. "We're giving away free coffee today," Apron Girl says. "Uh, howcome?" "We just want to tell people about our product."
Tell people about your product? THERE ARE PYGMIES IN AFRICA EATING BRAINS FROM HUMAN SKULLS WHO HAVE A STARBUCKS TRAVEL MUG BACK AT THE HUT!!!
Pygmy Travel Mug
We know you sell coffee, Starbucks. We've got a pretty good handle on that. What I don't understand is why you're yelling "Free Coffee!" in downtown Seattle. I got three stockbrokers, a soccer mom, two hobos and a weird guy with no legs stepping on my head to get to your free cuppa joe. WHY DON'T YOU JUST YELL "SALT BATH!" IN A BURN WARD, YOU RETARD!
Every time you people move into the neighborhood you have to get a parade permit for opening day. Could you not have a sale on on the hot crack when I'm in town? I'm heading to a small town in eastern Washington this weekend and I don't feel like mullet surfing down Main street.
____________________________________ Ticker Click: SBUX up almost a dollar today when Goldman Sachs says Starbucks is a "high quality company that offers tremendous long-term growth prospects," My neck brace comes off Tuesday. We'll see if they offer me any long-term growth prospects.
Today's regular link is just below the following text. Sorry for the short commercial break.
Dear Angry Brokerheads,
You know how bands come to town and at some point during the show the leader singer walks to the edge of the stage and says, "You know me and the band have always known that the best rock 'n' roll fans in the world are in ...[glances down at hand]... Chicago! And then everyone in the crowd cheers, "Yeah, we live in Chicago and we're the best rock 'n' roll fans in the world!"
Well, that's what I'm doing here. The World's Wealthiest Blogger, John Chow from Make Money Online, is holding a contest and giving away a Nintendo Wii. It's sponsored by the fine people at 1234pens.com. They make promotional pens. All I have to do is write a short blog about it, link back to Chow's website, and I'll be in the drawing for a free Weeeee!
Why am I doing this? That's easy. I'm hoping John Chow will put up a link to The Angry Stockbroker on his website and it will increase my readership. I don't have exact numbers for his website but I think everyone in China reads it twice a day. That's 2 billion hits a day, right? 75 million a minute? Well, whatever. Anyway, he gets a lot of hits. And it's making him a ton of money. I think he has three people living in his house just counting 20s.
So here's the blog. Of course all you guys could go ahead and put a link to this site up on your own page and we wouldn't have to go outside the family to juice our readership. Just a thought.
Here's another thought. Anyone linking The Angry Stockbroker on their site gets a free plug here at HQ. Send me your website with the link on it and not only will I put it in my own links list but I'll write a wonderful review of your site.
So let me get this straight. The FDA announces prescription sleeping drugs like Lunesta can cause people to do things in their sleep they have no memory of later like waking up in bed covered in candy wrappers or snapping to just as you pull your Hummer onto the interstate and the company's stock GOES UP FOUR CENTS?!?!
How is that possible? You've got a pill that turns people into Alzheimer's patients and somebody makes money on that? Yesterday, the FDA took the bold step of asking drug companies to put stronger warning labels on the bottles. What kind of warning label could you possibly put on there?
Caution: We have no idea what this thing will do to you but we know you'll be asleep when it happens.
I'M NOT TAKING ANY PILL WHERE I'M GOING TO WAKE UP THREE DAYS LATER NAKED ON A MEXICAN GAME SHOW!!!
Not pregnant when she went to bed
Why don't these drugs ever make you do stuff that's good? Does anyone ever wake up and go, "Hey, who painted the living room?" No, you always wake up in a park doing shots of Windex and sucking on a 2,000 Flushes toilet puck!
How did these pills even get on the market? Didn't they notice something funny in the clinical trials? "We found 12% of our patients woke up in the forest spooning a moose, 3% woke up pole dancing in Barbados, and one guy we found naked driving the 9 bus to Longview."
At what point did the doctors go, "Well, you gotta expect stuff like that with sleeping pills"? Hey Doc, what's the over-under on me waking up on a tuna boat in Thailand tomorrow morning? Why is the FDA letting these things stay on the market? I don't need another warning label, man. I NEED A PILL THAT MAKES ME GO NIGHT-NIGHT WITHOUT BARBECUING THE CAT!
Nancy Beaumont made it into the CNBC finals this week despite 17,000 voodoo dolls in her likeness being stabbed like a stock trading Caesar. How did this woman sign up with all these different accounts and then make it into the top 20 with eleven of them? THE ANGRY STOCKBROKER IS IN THE 81ST PERCENTILE AND THIS CONNIVING SUCCUBUS IS NUMBER ONE?!?!
Beaumont signs up for CNBC Million Dollar Stock Challenge
Beaumont seals her fate with a first place win in week 1
Lizzie Penobscot, a Mississippi housewife in 14,725th place,
pounds Beaumont to the floor in the Macy's health and beauty department. Bystanders applaud.
Powerful people read The Angry Stockbroker folks. Mere hours after my last post where I scissor-kicked Kraft Foods and it's Parent company Altria (formerly Phillip Morris, formerly the Secret Order of the Lung and Butt, formerly Knights of the Yellowed Nail) for attempting to take over the world one diabetic at a time, the International Financial Group Credit Suisse announced it would maintain Altria's rating of 'outperform.'
That's right, bloggers and bloggettes. Less than a day after this post hit the street Credit Suisse decided it need to RE-ANNOUNCE IT'S FAITH IN ALTRIA. Do you see the power I wield? International Banking Concerns roll out their multimillion dollar propaganda machines when The Angry Stockbroker sits down at the computer.
Even earlier in the day Kraft Foods announced it had paid it's CEO $18.6 million dollars last year, despite leaving many of it's customers in shallow graves around the country. Thanks to The Angry Stockbroker's diligence in uncovering the Krafty plot to kill us softly with sugar, the unholy spawn of Phillp Morris saw the need to show the world how rich and powerful they are. $18.6 million? You don't scare me with your individually wrapped fat-free cheese substitute and your chocolate Teddy Grahams. You have entered to Blog-O-Sphere you septic pit dwellers. Your Oreo powers are useless here!
After almost eight minutes of deep research I figured out the real reason Kraft came up with the Pop Tarts and Triscuits diet. I'm well into Coppola's Table Red right now so the logic might be a little jumbly but here's what's going on behind the scenes in the Fat-Free Kraft Singles lab and jacuzzi:
They didn't come up with this diet because they're stupid or whismsical. They created the "Beerfart Death Diet" because they're evil. Not evil in the way Capitol One jacks up your interest rate when you make a late payment on your electric bill kind of evil. I mean evil in the Susan Smith drown-your-kids-cause-you're-in-love-with-the-bagboy-at-The-Piggly-Wiggly kind of evil.
You see, Kraft is own by Altria which is the secret Illuminati name for Phillip Morris. Phillip Morris, of course, SITS AT THE BASE OF SATAN'S SPINE SUCKING BLOOD FROM THE EYES OF STILLBORN BABIES.
Am I being outrageous to juice the blog-o-meter? No, I'm serious. Phillip Morris has a condo in the seventh circle of hell where former Bank of America CEOs stabs oil executives with the bones of dead popes. We do not ask Phillip Morris for dietary advice for the same reason we don't ask Ron Jeremy to babysit the niece.
Listen to former Altria/Phillip Morris/Beezletumor CEO tell us how safe his cigarettes are:
Did you hear that? He just said that the smoke-sticks were as safe as applesauce, right? I DIDN'T IMAGINE THAT, RIGHT?!?! Smoking's like burping babies or snuggling up to Aunt Meemaw. Hey let's all head down to Chuck E. Cheese and do lines of applesauce on the Skeeball machines!
There is a special place in the Devil's playground where this guy's prostate is kicked around like a tetherball by Rwandan death squads.
Closest I could find to Rwandan death squads
Unfortunately, I'm not sure how I should spend my breakfast money now. I don't ant to give Altria my Wheetabix money but I have to admit I'm hooked on Frosted Mini Wheats. If I could keep them lit I'd probably smoke them.
This morning I was eating a hearty breakfast of Frosted Mini Wheats and leftover pizza when I came across Kraft's (KFT) plan to help me lose 10 pounds. Now maybe I'm still recovering from the rum balls and wine-soaked corndogs from the night before but how does replacing two meals a day with cereal help me lose weight? Especially if you're eating SUGAR POPPIN' DADDY SMACKS OR WHATEVER THE HELL MY KID TRICKED ME INTO BUYING!!!
Funny how they know that everyone
eating this cereal needs to lose 10 pounds
Then I looked further and saw that they didn't want me eating the little puffy sugar bombs they sold me last week. Instead I had to eat one of their "Post Health Classics" cereals. So I log onto www.Eat2Lose10.com and what do I see? A BOX OF FROSTED MINI WHEATS!
Carb Coated Carbs!
Hey, that's a great diet, Professor Corn Syrup. Three bowls of Frosted Mini Wheats a day. DOES IT COME WITH AN INSULIN DRIP YOU MONGOLOID?!?! Why don't you just drop all your customers into a giant C&H sugar silo and let us eat our way out?
The only way this diet can work
if is this bowl is actual size
If you look closely you'll see you have other choices like Grape Nuts. Oh, good. Grape Nuts. Is there a dental plan inside? Has anyone every gotten to the bottom of a bowl of Grape Nuts? It feels like I'm eating rocks from the bottom of my fish tank. It's impossible to eat more than two ounces of Grape Nuts without getting TMJ. That's why you lose weight. You gotta pound through a mountain like John Henry to get the stuff down!
Stay tuned. More dirt on the Amazing "Watch Your Blood Sugar Skyrocket Like a Titan 3 Missile" diet.
This fall, Sony is launching it's greatest effort yet to make sure American kids never leave the house. PlayStation Home is going to be some kind of virtual rec room/arcade gallery/pedophile's-last-wet-acre where children can meet grownups who act like children and everyone can have fun without the awkward genuineness of human contact.
Kids and socially retarded adults will be able to wander around a common area, talk to each other in their post-internet IM Scrabblespeak, and even invite their fake friends to a fake apartment to have fake cocktails.
Thanks a lot Sony. My son already has the social skills of a coked-up baboon in Hooters on Fling-Your-Own-Feces Night. Does anyone at Sony have friends? You mean Myspace friends? NO YOU BROADBAND DIGITAL HERMIT! I MEAN REAL FRIENDS! THE KIND THAT HELP YOU MOVE AND DON'T PAY BACK MONEY ON TIME!!!
Sony lead programmer on vacation.
Still a virgin at 32, he secretly hopes
to be eaten by sharks.
When I was 16 I was out stealing cars and tricking girls into playing strip Yahtzee. Twenty years later I can't pry my own son out of the house with a crowbar and a Playboy. His pimpley little butt has puckered itself to the floor in front of the television. I got news for you, Kid. When you meet that cute girl at Panda Express and you want to make a good impression, DOWN-CLICK-LEFT-LEFT-JUMP-SHIFT-KICK ISN'T GOING TO CUT IT!!!
How are these kids going to deal with the anal fissures I meet on a daily basis in the real world? What if one of these Playstation Primates grows up to be president? How is he going to deal with the next North Korean dictatorial windbag, Yum Suk Fat? When that nation of foreheads rolls out their nuclear warheads he's going to running around the Whitehouse looking for the Pause Game Button.
(I have to pause here for a moment because I'm writing this in a Barnes & Noble and a 60-year-old woman just sat down opposite me. She's wearing short dress and because her legs are cracked open like a pair of rusty scissors...I CAN SEE SHE'S NOT WEARING ANY UNDERWEAR! ARGH! IT LOOKS LIKE A ROTTING EASTER BASKET! CLOSE YOUR WORMHOLE YOU ANCIENT FREAK!!! NOW SHE'S EATING A SCONE! SWEET JESUS, IF I SEE A LINE OF ANTS CRAWLING OUT OF HER BAT CAVE I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF!!!!)
Anyway, Sony's got this new thing where you can meet people online and talk about games and stuff. I have to go home now and scrub my soul.
What the hell is going on with McDonald's? They just came out with the biggest burger they've ever had. It's called The Third Pounder and it's got 340 more calories than a Big Mac. ARGH!
How much bigger are these pant blasters going to get? Do I just stick it on the steering column and drive around eating it all day? Meat pimps! I'm already powerless in the presence of the quarter pounder. Now I gotta deal with a bloody elk haunch in my face?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST HAVE RONALD MCDONALD SNEAK UP IN THE PARKING LOT AND TAKE ME FROM BEHIND!!! I'll suck the marrow from Ray Kroc's bones before I get hooked on another super-sized lard barge. My girlfriend's already pissed off at me 'cause my underwear smells like tater tots. Well, what do you want them to smell like? Lollipops and lemon drops? Excuse me for not hooking up the bamboo steamer in the handicapped stall. I gotta eat, woman!
Great, a two-year-old in Pampers and a B-cup
The whole country smells like tot farts. We can't help it. We're addicted. A Big Mac is smack on a bun. I got stuck behind a blue whale in the drive-thru yesterday and I didn't even have the energy to yell, "HEY LADY, SHUT YOUR BLOWHOLE! JUST SAY #2 VALUE MEAL AND HIT THE GAS!" I couldn't even form the words. All I could think of was that sweaty fist of meat and cheese up there in a bag with my name on it.
You want more rolls? No, you have enough rolls.
So go ahead, McDonald's. Give me the MegaBun Patty McStroke. I don't care. It takes a big bucket of nards to give planet fatty one more reason to blow out our button-flies. You know we can't fight it. Gimme two Pounders, a lap band and a Lipitor milkshake. NO I DON'T WANT TO SUPERSIZE IT!
I called my landlord this weekend and asked him to come up and look at my dishwasher because it's a Maytag and they just recalled 2.3 million of them. Apparently, they keep catching fire. I have no idea how a dishwasher catches fire. Doesn't that defy all laws of physics or logic or hydroponics or something? Anyway, the guy says to me, "I don't have time to check all the washers. Let me know if it starts acting up."
ACTING UP?? Hold old there, Smokey. The first sign of "acting up" is going to be my kitchen bursting into flame! What am I supposed to do when it flares up? Throw water on it? IT'S ALREADY FULL OF WATER YOU IDIOT!!! I live in a two-bedroom tinderbox with 10,000 books and a cat with a shaky bladder. I'm not prepared to fight electrical fires!
Maytag customer uses too much
Cascade dishwashing powder
How the hell does Maytag build a dishwasher that burns under water? Did they partner with the Department of Defense? WHO PUT A THERMITE BOMB IN MY DISHWASHER?!?!?! Is Whirlpool making landmines on the swing shift? What else are they making? Thermonuclear Water-Piks? Bunker Buster Toilet Bombs?
Angry Stockbroker doing the dishes
Maytag says I can call them up and they'll send out a repairman to fix the thing. Waitaminit!I thought they only had that one 75-year-old repairman. I gotta wait three months for Johnny Diaper to come over and replace a capacitor?! It's going to be at least three months 'cause you know that guy can't drive at night anymore.
What am I supposed to do in the meantime? Throw a pot roast in with every load? Sure, I'll mix the Palmolive with some rosemary and couple of bay leaves and turn the thing into a crock pot.
SOMEBODY NEEDS TO COME OUT AND FIX MY CAR BOMB/DISHWASHER! MY KID HAS OUTGROWN HIS FLACK JACKET AND MY ASBESTOS BATHROBE IS STARTING TO ITCH!
I almost committed a federal crime today when I walked into a Bank of America and was told I'd have to pay them $5 to CASH A CHECK DRAWN ON BANK OF AMERICA! Are you kidding me? The manager ran over when my voice reached Who concert decibels and said, since I had CHOSEN not to open an account there the cost of doing business with me was $5.
WELL I ALSO CHOSE NOT TO TAKE A DUMP IN YOUR NIGHT DEPOSIT SLOT YOU SYPHILITIC HAG! DO YOU THINK THAT'S WORTH FIVE BUCKS?
How can you charge people to cash checks drawn on your own bank?!?! What if the check was for $3? Would they ask me for $2?
What hunchbacked accountant dreamed this up? "One day while I was selling Cambodian orphans to a North Korean plasma center I thought, 'What if we charged people to cash our own checks?' Later that day when I was punching a nun I decided to call the boss and give it a try.'"
And who is this boss? Who is the demon with a twisted spine and withered soul who signed off on this idiotic plan to screw a few more dollars out of the working poor? His name is Kenneth D. Lewis, chairman, president and CEO of Bank of America. Born in a cauldron in the swamps of Meridian, Mississippi he was raised by serpents on a diet of Chocktaw virgins and stillborn puppies. It was here, in the only state in the union that still has the stars and bars on their flag, where he learned to love and respect his fellow man.
If you look close you can tell
he just sat on his balls
Do not give your money to Bank of America! KEN LEWIS IS TO BANKING WHAT JOHN WAYNE GACEY IS TO CLOWNS!
But don't think Lewis is working alone. All dictators have lackeys and minions doing the grunt work. Witness Joe L. Price, Chief Financial Officer:
If this guy was a proctologist
he'd charge you extra
to pull his finger out
And Vice-Chairman and President, R. Eugene Taylor:
Got his start in business
selling shampoo in Auschwitz
DO NOT GIVE YOUR MONEY TO BANK OF AMERICA! Sure they have a sweet ad campaign, but don't be fooled. Their ATM's emit mustard gas if your balance falls below $1,000.
BOC's stock is at $49.64 and falling. I hope it falls like a skydiver strapped to a washing machine.
The Gap's profit is down 35%? Good. That's what you get for dressing America in the most emasculating fashion trend since rainbow suspenders. Especially the children's clothes. How long would your son last on the playground wearing this?
Kids who wear clothes like this say things like, "Yes, sir" and "No, sir" and "Mother will be disappointed." DO NOT MAKE YOUR SON WEAR ARGYLE SWEATERS! There are only two career paths for little boys who wear Gap clothes: hairdresser and serial killer.
And does Gap think kids actually run around the house doing this:
Uh, no. They don't. Unless they forgot to take their Ritalin. Nobody rocks out in khaki shorts and a blazer. This is what happens when you raise your kids on Rafi and Wiggles CD's. Why don't you just send him to school with a handbag and scrunchies? This company alone is responsible for the poodlefication of America's youth. Hey soccer mom! Your kid is not a collectible so don't dress him like one! WHY IS THIS KID WEARING A LOOSENED TIE? ARE YOU TRYING TO INCREASE HIS DRUG USE?
Do you know what this kid is wearing under his khaki shorts? Underwear that warps his DNA.
These aren't sold in BabyGap. This is what you're supposed to make your 12-year-old wear. Sea Turtle Underpants! I had no idea Gap was selling birth control. Even the Little Mermaid's boyfriend wouldn't wear these things. ARE YOU TRYING TO CIRCUMCISE HIM AGAIN??? You know what the Menendez brothers were wearing when they were arrested? Sea turtle underpants.
Former CEO Pressler obviously doesn't shop at the Gap
Neither does Robert Fisher but at least he
doesn't look like he's wearing butterfly underwear.
What took Robert Fisher so long to give former CEO Paul Pressler the boot? Did he think Froggy-Went-A-Courtin' boxers were going to make a comeback? When was the last time Pressler even set foot in a Gap store? Has this guy been in a mall in the last 10 years? Who the hell buys a tie like this?
Nobody, unless you're planning on joining the Asian sex trade. There is no other use for this tie.
Pressler must have been having flashbacks to his old job running Disneyland. He couldn't possibly have ingested enough drugs to buy a whole shipping container of pink striped ties. But why did Gap go headhunting in the Magic KIngdom? Did they happen to see how Pressler dressed his employees in Anaheim?
Head of Security
This guy was in charge of accounting
I really don't care if Gap goes the way of Blockbuster and Krispy Kreme. Most Gap customers drive Beemers and own a full set of grapefruit spoons. I couldn't care less of they have to go somewhere else to buy their wrinkled knickers.In fact, I'm kind of enjoying the Collapse of Khaki. Aren't you tired of everyone looking like a Kennedy? If you live in Kansas City you don't get to pretend you belong to the yacht club. Time to find another superficial fashion trend to spend your money on America!
Comcast is making moves to take over Sprint? Good. I always wanted to see what happens when you mix unbelievable incompetence with unflinching indifference. SprintComCastaway will be a Black Hole of Lost Calls and Missed Appointments. This company will be a cross between the 70s Vikings and the 90s Bills where every call is a Hail Mary and every billing statement is a goal line stand.
If you've ever had to call them you know that Sprint is to Customer Service what the Holocaust is to Passover. I get passed around their call center like head lice at a daycare. If you want to talk to a deaf Bangladeshi untouchable then sign up with Sprint. Also, the finger that works the hold button has been removed and replaced with a magnet stump that's permanently attached to the Flash/Death/HaHa Disconnect Button.
Here is how I end every conversation with Sprint HQ:
Sprint: I am now transferring this call to our tech center. Me: NO! DO NOT TRANSFER ME TO YOUR TECH CENTER! GIVE ME THEIR NUMBER AND I'LL CALL THEM DIRECTLY! DO NOT TOUCH THE TRANSFER- (CLICK)
Sprint's crack tech team.
Man on left first employed with
Alexander Graham Bell.
Comcast is no better. These people have monopolies in so many cities they couldn't care less about customer service. Their motto is, "Hey, it's us or watch the dog lick himself." I logged onto to Comcast.com last night to see what kind of internet packages they had and they wouldn't me see the price list UNTIL I GAVE THEM MY CAT'S NAME!!! Why do I have to open an account to see how much your cable modem costs??? And what is this sudden interest in my pet's name? Where are you putting that cable? Do you think you can get to me through my cat? The cat hates me! HE'LL BE WATCHING ANIMAL PLANET IN THE LITTERBOX IF I GIVE YOU HIS CONTACT INFO. STAY AWAY FROM THE CAT!!!!!
Comcast waiting room
And don't lie to me about your bandwidth, Crapcast. You say you offer up to 7 Mps but that's only when everything's running right. Half the time you're bouncing my emails off Pluto's furthest moon and the bandwidth is closer to three or four mps. If I want to see someone run the 100 meter dash with his pants around his ankles I'll turn on the Special Olympics.
Comcast bundles attachments
with this man on weekends
I hope Sprint suckles up to the big worn out cable teat. It's guaranteed to improve customer service. Now when I cancel my services I only have to make one call.
