Not Waiting For the Whites of Their Eyes

Folks, The Angry Stockbroker is here for you. I want you to know that it's going to be OK. Sure, stocks are falling faster than the t-cell count in a San Francisco halfway house and world markets are bleeding like a Peckinpah protagonist but don't worry. The Angry Stockbroker knows what you need and what you need is someone to blame. A vessel for your frustration. A target for your spite. Someone to project your anger onto so you can sleep tonight.

I've done the research and come up with a few possible suspects:

World Leader Shops at Ross

1. Hu Jintao: President of China. I don't know what this knucklehead said but the Shanghai index choked on an eggroll and blew pork out it's nose. Be strong China stockbrokers. You gotta stand up to the little man in the cheap suit and bad hair. Remember that guy in Tianamman Square? He started a revolution! Sure, he's sucking down Ramen in a Beijing prison now but don't let that scare you. Don't let your leader/control freak push you around. The future of my portfolio is depending on it! Now go out there and buy something from CHL!



Moments Before Greenspan's Amsterdam Hash Bust

2. Alan Greenspan: Idiot! Are you smoking opium? I don't know if you know this but YOU DON'T HAVE TO SPEAK EVERY TIME SOMEONE SHOVES A MICROPHONE IN YOUR FACE!!! It's not open-mic Dillrod. Did you write this yourself? "When you get this far away from a recession invariably forces build up for the next recession, and indeed we are beginning to see that sign."

Now is not the time for honesty, Captain Candor. I just bought a big chunk of China stocks so I don't need you running around yelling Omelette! in the henhouse. If you see a recession coming on keep it to yourself. You're one of those guys who walks up to a fat woman, points to her belly and says, "So have a thought up a name yet?" Idiot! Did you hear what I said a couple sentences ago? I JUST BOUGHT A BUNCH OF CHINA STOCKS! NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR HONESTY!!! Right now we need lies and half-truths, exaggerations and delusions, misleading answers and willful distortions of the truth. If you need help with this call the Whitehouse. They're running night classes in Falsehoods and Fairy Tales.



Dow Jones Employee of the Month

3. The Binary Bonehead responsible for the computer glitch at the Dow Jones today. What are you working with? A Commodore 64? Did you spill a something on the keyboard? What were you doing?!?! Were you watching internet porn while my portfolio bounced off the floor? IF YOU HAD TAKEN YOUR EYES OFF SCHINDLER'S FIST FOR A MINUTE MAYBE I WOULDN'T BE SELLING MY KID'S POKEMON CARDS FOR RENT MONEY TODAY!!! Put down the bong and pull up your pants. Then call Tommy Chong and tell him you won't be at the barbecue. Carb up on Pepsi and put on your diaper, genius, you're pulling an all-nighter.

Granny's Goodyear Blimp Lips

Allergan up $1.59? Are we out of our minds? Allergan are the fine folks who gave us Botox. You've seen Botox, right? It looks like this:


On the left is Bree Walker and her Willy Wonka Everlasting Gobstopper lips. She looks like that thing on the inside of my aquarium. HOW DESPERATE DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO TURN YOURSELF INTO A BILABIAL SUCKERFISH?!?! If I saw this thing while I was swimming I'd poop myself.

How has AGN shot up to $114 per share? Is this freak on their pamphlet? Would you kiss this woman? No, she could suck you in like a piece of spaghetti. Plus, if you meet her on the grassy plains of central Africa she might eat you.



And look at this woman, Lisa Rinna.



If I saw her on the street I'd take her to a shelter. Did she walk into the doctor's office and say, "Make me look like my husband just punched me in the face." Hey, why even buy collagen at that point? There are thousands of guys in every city in America who are perfectly willing to punch you in the face for a fraction of what you're paying Allergan.

You know, ladies, if you spent a little less time in the sun you wouldn't look like a leathered corpse and you wouldn't have to pay a doctor to squeeze Botox into you like he was caulking the Taj Mahal! I got news for any aging socialite reading this: self-mummification is not attractive. Not in Ramses II and not in you.

Not looking your age is desperate and creepy. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE YOU'RE 25 IF YOU WERE OLD ENOUGH TO VOTE FOR EISENHOWER!!! Plus, it's dangerous. What if some guy takes you home tonight? He's going to wake up tomorrow next to the picture of Dorian Gray. You're going to roll out of your coffin and that guy's going to swear he just saw the dead rise from the crypt.

Let's act our age and bring AGN down below $100. I don't care if you have breasts like pastry bags and your face could make a vampire turn on the light. Down with Btulinum Toxin Type A!

* Many more photos can be seen at: http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/

Behind the Lines in the Seventh Circle of Hell

Today I'm in LA today taking a break from the market. I'm on a cultural safari looking for bad plastic surgery, overpriced consumer goods, and the rotting seeds of the Amercan Dream. First stop: The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Listen for my cackle in the back.

Quick Note: Just saw that Microsoft got his with a $1.52million judgement. Yay! Of course they're going to appeal. Bill Gates could pay for it with his debit card but they'll drag this out 'till Alcatel-Lucent is on life-support and then Ballmer will personally come in and pull the plug.

Also just noticed that all of my stocks are in the toilet today. I'm going to save my vitriol for when I get back to Seattle. I must concentrate on documenting the liquid nightmare that is Los Angeles. Police sirens are blaring outside my window. There's a hobo sleeping on the hood of my car. Central Casting just told me I'm not "leading man material" because I don't have enough hair. (On my head, that is. I haven't talked to the lady from butt-casting yet.)

I am here to cause trouble. Check your papers Monday morning.

C'mon Happy Ending!

China Life, you're killing me. You've got a billion potential customers out there but your stock's sitting on the pot like my dad after Mardi Gras. Is it payouts? Are you selling life insurance on first born baby girls?! Did somebody's garage flood in the Three Gorges? C'mon CHL! Daddy needs another plate of Pad Thai Nobody in Hunan needs bike insurance? What about renters insurance? How much could a shack cost?

You need to get out there and start selling fear. Tell them it's only a matter of time before Hu Jintao finds out about their bootleg internet connection and harvests their organs. And get yourself a cute little logo for people to latch onto like a chain smoking Hello Kitty. Something a billion Altria customers can identify with.

Three cheers and a tumor to CHL this week for signing 4.86 million new mobile phone customers this month. The decibel level of noodle house conversations is looking to triple this quarter! Can you imagine 5 million Chinese yammering into their cell phones over tea? EF Hutton's head would explode. I got into CHL when it was at $35. Now it's over $50! Ahahaha! I WANT TO SEE 500 MILLION CHINESE TRYING TO ANSWER THEIR RAZOR PHONES GOING DOWNHILL ON A TEN-SPEED WITH A BUCKET OF FISH ON THEIR HEAD!!!

You better not get cocky on me, CHL. You don't offer those stupid calling packages do you? Somebody better tell Yu Chat Long he can't have 8 million people on his Friends & Family plan.

The Angry Stockbroker is almost happy today. The Paxil must be working. I've been shooting it into the veins between my toes and it seems to be hitting faster. I'm home tonight drinking in the dark but it feels better than usual. I'm waiting for Shanghai Stock Exchange to open. Anyone know what 我的靶垛创伤 means?

Geosynchronous Orbiting Catholics and the Sound of NASCAR Crashing

Is anyone reaching for their wallet now that Sirius and XM are about to shack up together? How is this going to help anything? Over the last two years these stocks have fallen faster than Michael Richards' chances of getting booked at the Apollo. And now the two bozos in charge of Club Hindenberg are announcing they'll be the top two yokels in the new company. Is anyone listening here??? YOU CAN'T LET THE GRANDPARENTS RAISE THE CRACK BABY! THEY'RE THE ONES WHO SCREWED UP THE MOTHER IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!

Mel Karmazin should be running a hog auction in Gobbler's Knob, PA and Gary Parsons should be pulling prune duty at the Shaky Stools Retirement Home down the road. Do these guys have special suits made to carry their hippopotamus balls around? From May of 2000 to December of 2002 SIRI went from $59.37 to $0.54. Genius! They should replace their dog logo with a picture of a wheelchair at the bottom on the stairs. Since Karmazin's arrival in 2004 the stock has skyrocketed what 80 cents? When a single share of stock can't buy you a latte in Time's Square it's time to put on your pants and leave the party.

Does anyone out there have satellite radio? I've had Sirius for a year and desperately want to meet the water-brained program director who decides what channels get on the air. WHY DO WE HAVE TWO CATHOLIC CHANNELS?!?! How many times did Father Dugan have to touch you for you to need for TWO full-time guilt frequencies?

Is this the same guy who gave the green light to channel 192 Canadian Soft Rock? It's bad enough they've given us Brian Adams and Celine Dion. We went into Iraq on less than that. But now we have to listen to the Canadian version of England Dan & John Ford Coley? Why don't you just hit me in the face with a hockey puck right now. The sound of my teeth breaking would be better than the sound of soft Canadian rock.

And what throbbing jockstrap put sports on the Bloomberg channel??? Listen, folks, when I tune in to hear what Bernanke has to say about the prime lending rate I don't want to hear the third-quarter wrap-up from the North Bend Bedwetters - Alabama Butt Huffers game. A quick check of the XM lineup show six hockey channels and an Indy Car racing channel. That's seven channels for seven brain cells.

Sirius and XM have been created and maintained with all the wisdom and foresight of a leaky Magic 8-Ball. I'd let the autistic kid across the street check me for a hernia before I bought shares in either of these companies. Listen to Howard. Have some laughs. Keep your wallet in your pocket.

Disclosure: Sometimes I write jokes for the Howard Stern Show. When I say you should pass on the stock but go ahead and buy a Sirius Satellite radio and sign up for the two-year-deal I'm just being selfish and greedy.

P & G CEO Needs a Toaster in the Hot Tub

In yet another colossal corporate waste of time, Proctor & Gamble announced they were auctioning off a giant pair of disembodied legs. Yes, instead of reworking the recipe for Blue Scope, they're auctioning off a 16-foot-replica of Mariah Carey's legs on eBay. Yay! What are we selling next, PG? Steve Buscemi's dental molds? Anna Nicole's baby?

Maybe if you hadn't been wasting your time slapping papier-mache on the legs of that five-octave tweaker you would've realized that no one in America wants to eat your newest product: Szechuan Barbecue flavored Pringles. Where did you do the taste tests for these things, an opium den in Chinatown? And what about the new Cinnamon Sweet Potato Pringles? What the hell were you thinking there? Sweet potatoes...sweet potatoes...let's see how often do I have one those those? Oh, yeah, ONCE A YEAR AT THANKSGIVING! WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEAD AND COME OUT WITH A CRANBERRY SAUCE AND GIBLET CHIP!!!

Are you getting letters? Is that how you come up with these flavors? "Dear Proctor & Gamble, I was sitting here eating frog ears and goat teats and was wondering if you guys had any Szuchaun-flavored products in the pipeline? I'm sure they'd go great with the peppermint herring lips I'm having for lunch."

I'm not paying $65 a share for you guys to spend your R & D time thinking up new altered states potato chips. And I'm sure as hell not giving you my money so you can come up with more celebrity body parts to auction off on eBay. Shouldn't your lab assistants be test driving a new 75-blade vibrating razor or something?

Call me when the crack addict in charge of marketing comes up with Tuna Fish Crest flavor or the rechargeable asshair trimmer. I'll notify my broker.

Retarded Monkeys Sink Savings Into Microsoft

Does anyone know who these "analysts" are that keep giving Microsoft a BUY rating? Has anyone ever dug up some of the names that keep pushing those little bars up on the Analyst Ratings pages? Who are these people? Huey? Dewy? Louie?

Did The Street go out and hire some pudding-brained jock straps to give us their views on Cisco Systems and the Vanguard International Growth Fund? These guys can't possibly be professional stock analysts. WHERE THE HELL WERE THE WORKING BEFORE?!?! WERE THEY SLICING POT ROAST AT THE END OF A BUFFET LINE????

When was the last time anyone made money on Microsoft? Was it 2001? MSFT has been stinking up the restroom on Wall Street since 2002. Which is exactly as long as it's been since any version of Windows has worked properly. Microsoft should change it's name to CTRL-ALT-DELETE. Would anyone get on a plane if they knew Windows 98 was in the cockpit? Ha! IF WINDOWS WAS RUNNING THE PLANE YOU'D PROBABLY HIT THE CONTROL TOWER DURING TAKE-OFF!!!

As of this evening, 15 retarded monkeys are recommending MSFT as a BUY. Did they happen to see the front page of any business section in the country? Here's a sample headline: "Microsoft Releases Security Fixes for Vista Operating System - YOU REMEMBER VISTA, RIGHT? IT'S THE ONE THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SECURE!!!"

According to the AP, there's a problem in Vista's "malware protection engine" that let's hackers "take complete control" of your computer. Are you kidding me?!?! This is the most sophisticated, secure system Microsoft has ever put out and within a week someone finds a hole so big you could drive a team of constipated Clydesdales through it.

Buying Vista to keep your computer safe is like locking up your mountain bike with a yard of red licorice.

So who are these guys recommending a BUY? Has anyone ever seen them in real life? If you go to the dog track they'll be the ones betting on the asthmatic St. Bernard. What kind of brain-eating virus do you have to have to recommend anyone BUY Microsoft?

The word BUY shouldn't even be on the same page with the symbol MSFT. Instead of BUY, HOLD, SELL it should be HOLD, SELL, and MAIL IT TO YOUR INLAWS LIKE A ROTTING FRUITCAKE. There is no way anyone should be buying this stock or their jacked up operating system. They can come up with all the cutesy names they want, Longhorn, Shoehorn, Corn on the Cob, I don't care what they call it. I guarantee it's going to suck. IF MICROSOFT MADE TAMPONS YOU'D HAVE TO REBOOT YOUR PANTS!!!

We Are KNOT Pleased With This Development

Twenty percent? Are you kidding me? Who the hell drops 20% in one day?!?! Look, I know planning your wedding online is about as romantic as taking your honeymoon in the home furnishings department at Penney's but SWEET-JESUS-20-PERCENT-OFF-THE-TOP?!?!?! Profit-takers are running around like drunken mohels!!!*

And why the hell are you posting your quarterly reports this close to Valentines? Are you trying to be sexy? It's all about timing, you idiots! There's a reason you don't take an ice bath before an orgy. It tends to lower expectations!

Oh, by the way Wall Street, could you please not dump all your shares every time a company announces unexpected profits? The doors are still open knuckleheads! You've got your suspenders jacked up around your brain stems. The company's doing fine. Nobody's getting married this June? Dumping KNOT stock now is like running out on a blind date who turned out to be an 18-year-old sex addict with a degree in massage therapy.

Why the hell is everyone selling? Does somebody know something I don't? Am I supposed to unload these anorexic shares or not? HOW BAD DO YOU HAVE TO BE RUNNING YOUR WEDDING PLANNER COMPANY TO CRAP THE BED THE DAY BEFORE VALENTINES?!?!?!

All right, now I'm starting to wonder. How can a wedding company screw up on February 13th? Did Budweiser's stock drop 20% the day before St. Patrick's Day? No. Did Gas-Ex take a hit the day before Thanksgiving? No. Did Martha Stewart's stock take a dive the day before National Arrogant Hag Day? Well, yes. And that's the problem. What if KNOT turns into NOOSE?

I can't afford to take the old lady out for a nice dinner on Wednesday if my portfolio drops a load in it's pants on Tuesday. That was my flower money. Half my KNOT profit was going toward a weekend on the coast and a big box of chocolate-covered butter-rubbins or whatever the hell she eats. How am I supposed to get lucky if all I can afford is hot-plate Ramen and a crack house single with a view of the methadone clinic? You're killing me! I WENT FROM PENTHOUSE PEDICURE TO TOUCHING MYSELF IN A GREYHOUND BATHROOM!!!

That's it for KNOT. The Angry Stockbroker is buying a controlling interest in Divorce.com. I'll also be looking at Alimony.com, BallandChain.net and DaddyWentAway.org


* A mohel is the guy who does circumcisions in the Jewish faith. Now do you get it?

Exxon Pulls Head Out of Butt. Declares Six More Weeks of Global Warming.

Well, Exxon finally admitted the earth was getting warmer. Really? What did it take? Did somebody's yacht hit an iceberg? Did a butler get fired over lukewarm caviar?

Last week the company said, "the global ecosystem is showing signs of warming, particularly in polar areas." Particularly in polar areas?!?! Hey, thanks for the update Professor Understatement. I saw a polar bear in a tanning salon last month. He was browning up for February. Sure the Eskimos like it. They had their first annual Inuit bikini contest last year. Maybe you saw their new calendar, "Ice Floe Honeys 2007."

Exxon said they still weren't sure how much burning toxic sludge contributed to the overall warming. Well, what else could it be moron?!?! Is the earth farting? Maybe it the collective hand rubbing of Exxon executives when they heard they made $39.5 billion in profit last year.

In 2004 they came up with all kinds of reasons the earth might be getting warmer including "solar radation and orbital changes of the earth." Are you out of your mind?!?! ORBITAL CHANGES IN THE EARTH?!?! ACCORDING TO EXXON, GLOBAL WARMING WAS CAUSED BY THE EARTH SHIVERING!

These people can sink a pipe so far into the earth they can see up a Chinaman's pant leg but they can't see how 600 million glowing tailpipes might warm up a neighborhood a bit. I CAN'T TRUST THESE IDIOTS WITH MY MONEY! NEXT TIME THEIR STOCK GOES DOWN THEY'LL BLAME IT ON UNICORNS!!!

Flying the Bipolar Backstabbing Skies with Alaska Airlines

Alaska Airlines took in $3.3 billion last year and $185 of it was mine. I remember exactly how much my ticket to LA cost last September because I got sick two days before the flight and had to cancel. I called back yesterday to reschedule and they wanted me to pay an extra $100 to change the ticket.

Are you insane?!?! First you charge me $185 to get on the plane. THEN YOU CHARGE ME $100 TO NOT GET ON THE PLANE!!! No wonder your airline's in the toilet! How much are you going to charge me for not eating the frozen cow knuckle you're serving for dinner? How much do I have to pay when you send my bags to Gizzard Lick, Wyoming?

Why was it so important that I get on the plane?!?! Was I supposed to fly the thing? Do you need a quorum to take off??

Look, it's not like I forgot to show up. I was sick. Got it? I was home throwing up lung butter. I'm pretty sure you don't want me getting on the plane with a mop and a plastic poncho. I was throwing up things I don't even remember eating. I think I saw breast milk in there from the 60s.

And now you're going to charge me $100 to type a few numbers into a computer? How does typing in a different date cost $100? For $85 more YOU WERE GOING TO FLY ME TO LOS ANGELES!!!

Are you carving these dates in the side of a mountain? It took 30 seconds to change the date of my ticket. That's about $12,000 an hour. FOR THAT KIND OF MONEY I SHOULD BE FLYING TO LA ON AIRFORCE ONE WITH DICK CHENEY ON THE FLOOR IN HIS UNDERWEAR SUCKING PEANUTS FROM BETWEEN MY TOES!!!

Don't Make a Mess In Texas

What happened to my pawnshops? FCFS down again today? First Cash Financial Services, Inc., you can't possibly be losing money. You're the Texas King of Payday Loans! You've even got pawnshops in Mexico where it's legal to sell children under 7.

Where are the housewives selling their husband's tools 'cause they caught them cheating with the waitress at the Suds 'n' Juggs? Where are my meth addicts driving up to your store with a screwdriver in the ignition switch and the steering column dragging outside the driver's side door?

C'mon guys, there can't possibly be a shortage of human misery in Texas! Didn't the Texas state flag used to be a boot stomping on a guy's neck? Where do you think President Bush learned his diplomacy skills?!

Dig deep FCFS. We gotta make it through this two-day breather and get this stock shooting up like a Klansman's blood pressure on Martin Luther King Day. Throw some flyers out at drag races and state fairs. You take baby strollers, right? It's never too early to get a baby walking. Hit the daycare centers. Tell the single mothers they can get the entire NASCAR shot glass collection if they pawn that stroller

Are you telling me there's nobody in Gainesville who needs a payday loan?? According to my online sources, "On the state administered reading proficiency tests, Gainesville Independent School District grades 10 and 11 scored substantially lower than the state average." It's a payday loan goldmine!!!

Get on the stick FCFS! The average wage in Cameron county is $486 a week. The lowest in America. We got kids who can't read and grownups who can't earn a living. IT'S THE PERFECT STORM OF PAWNSHOPS!!!

I'm buying 2,000 shares at the end of the week. I better smell some Texas desperation walking through those doors or I'm going to come down there personally and put a west coast liberal whooping on your skinny little Wrangler backside.

Is There Vodka in the Watercooler at Apple?

$84.75? Are you kidding me Apple? $84,75? Last month we were butterfly kissing $100. What happened? How do you drop 15% in one month?

Hmm, maybe some of your shareholders accidentally erased EVERY SONG ON THEIR IPODS!!!

Last week I hooked up my iPod to a friend's computer and a small dialog box popped up asking me if I wanted to clear the contents of my iPod. Well Ol' Twitchy Mclicky wasn't paying much attention and hit the ENTER key one too many times and WHAMMO 3, 258 SONGS GONE!


What kind of a gin-soaked bedwetting programmer came up with this idea? Didn't someone at Apple walk into the break room and say, "Hey, maybe it should be that easy to erase 3.258 songs"? Why are they even asking me if I want to delete every song I've ever downloaded?!?! If I had a job selling hot pokers I wouldn't walk around the store going, "Hey, you want me to stick that in your eye?"

And it's the first question they ask too! There should be a long list of keystrokes before you even get to the self-destruct question: SHIFT- ALT - OPEN APPLE - BACKSPACE - NUMLOCK - SCROLLPAGEDOWN - FU2. There are more warning signs on my electric toothbrush than there are on my iPod. Do Not Use in Shower! Do Not Overcharge! Don't Use It On the Cat! Don't Even Think About Bringing This Into the Bedroom 'Cause That's Not What We're About!

No wonder Apple dropped $15 in one month. Half of Wall Street is suckling at Limewire's withered teats trying to reload their subway playlists.

I can hardly wait for the iPhone to come out. Oh, that's going to be a fine piece of engineering. I want to meet the deaf mute they hire to build the voice recognition software. Watch me on the street corner trying to make a call.

Me: Call Tony
iPhone: Did you say Erase Calendar?
Me: No, call Tony!
iPhone: Did you say Washington Mutual?
Me: NO! DO NOT CALL MY BANK! DO-NOT-CALL-BANK!!!
iPhone: Accessing bank account now.
Me: HANG UP!! HANG UP!! HANG UP!!!

Nobody Likes a Winner?

What the hell is going on here!? Google triples their fourth quarter profits and the stock goes down $20?!?! I can't be buying $500 shares if a Wall Street's jittery retards drop their pants and crap on their wallets every time a company does better then expected.

The stock market is the only place where exceeding your goals is rewarded by cutting your pay. What am I supposed to do now? Hope their search engine throws a rod? WHAT KIND OF DOUCHEBAG DUMPS HIS STOCK WHEN A COMPANY ANNOUNCES RECORD PROFITS?!? That's like running up to the guy who just won a gold medal and punching him in the face. What is Google supposed to do? Tell everyone to go home early until Yahoo! gets it's act together?

Anyone remember the last time they used Yahoo! to find something on the internet? What was it, 1998? You were probably looking up Boys II Men lyrics. Google has nothing to worry about from anyone. Not Yahoo! Not Yoo-hoo. Not that uptight butler at Ask.com. That guy looks like he just dropped a load in his pants. The only thing you're going to ask him is where's the bathroom and why isn't he in it. (Yeah, I know his picture isn't on the website anymore. Trust me, he's working behind the scenes. Way behind the scenes. He's lint rolling his cummmerbund while he's supposed to be stealing metadata from dogpile.com)

Get Google back up where it belongs, Wall Street, or I'll send my man Friday over there to hike up your slacks and split your hairy man shares.

Tomorrow: The Angry Stockbroker throat punches Apple