Strippers Make Withdrawal at Bank of America

Every now and then the clouds part and The Angry Stockbroker sees a little ray of sunshine in the world. This week's ray of sunshine comes from two strippers in Atlanta.

Angry Brokerheads may remember that Crank of America is the place that wanted to charge me $5 to cash a check drawn on their own bank. The manager said that was the charge for "choosing not to open an account with them." I said, "What if I choose not to take a dump on your rubber tree," what's that worth, Lady? That's when the 80-year-old security guard reached for his inhaler and I decided it was time to head over to my regular bank, Washington Mutual, where the air is clean, the tellers pure, and every Friday the loan department explains no-load mutual funds to the kids at the orphanage.

But last week, two dopey strippers tired of pole burns and wrinkled singles, held up a Bank of America getting away with over $500. Ha! The Wheel of Karmic Justice runs over the Possum of Bad Service! Rarely, do the gods intervene so clearly in human affairs but this has the sweet, sweet smell of divine retribution. That's what happens when you screw The Angry Stockbroker. YOU GET ROBBED BY A COUPLE OF POLE MONKEYS!!!

Police photo of bank robbersdemanding the money

Ashley Miller and Heather Johnston, fresh off the afternoon shift at Shooter Alley, walked up to teller Benny Herman Allen III, grabbed all the cash in his drawer and ran off into the hot Atlanta sun. The only thing that could have made this more perfect was if B of A was playing the Muzak version of Sweet Child O' Mine at the time.

Sadly, our exotic dancers/criminal masterminds were caught after a short chase ending at Six Flags Amusement Park. Stupid stripper! YOU DON'T ESCAPE FROM THE POLICE BY JUMPING ON A FERRIS WHEEL!!!

Their first attempt at robbing parking metersended in failure

There are so many beautiful things about this story I don't know which is is my favorite.

1. They're working the afternoon shift at Club Hump. Is there anything more humbling than getting the afternoon shift at a strip club? Don't ask me how I know this but there's nothing in a strip club between the hours of noon and four but broken dreams and battered hearts. You're dancing for glue sniffers and homeless stevedores. Committing a federal crime is actually a step up.

2. The teller's name is Benny Herman Allen III. Only in Georgia do people think "Benny Herman" is a name that needs to be treasured and passed on like daddy's bass rod or the Dale Ernhardt collectible bed pan/egg poacher.

3. Miller's mother swears her daughter has nothing to do with the ecstasy and marijuana found with the girls, stating, "she's a sweet girl with a big heart." Honey, your daughter's a bank robbing stripper on the outskirts of Atlanta. YOU DON'T GET TO CALL YOUR DAUGHTER SWEET IF SHE'S FLASHING HER CERVIX TO ANY GUY WITH AN ATM CARD!!!

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Ticker Click: BOC down 48 cents today as ugly strippers make drive through deposits one dollar at a time.


World's Worst Stripper
(No nudity. Fun for the whole family.)