This fall, Sony is launching it's greatest effort yet to make sure American kids never leave the house. PlayStation Home is going to be some kind of virtual rec room/arcade gallery/pedophile's-last-wet-acre where children can meet grownups who act like children and everyone can have fun without the awkward genuineness of human contact.
Kids and socially retarded adults will be able to wander around a common area, talk to each other in their post-internet IM Scrabblespeak, and even invite their fake friends to a fake apartment to have fake cocktails.
Thanks a lot Sony. My son already has the social skills of a coked-up baboon in Hooters on Fling-Your-Own-Feces Night. Does anyone at Sony have friends? You mean Myspace friends? NO YOU BROADBAND DIGITAL HERMIT! I MEAN REAL FRIENDS! THE KIND THAT HELP YOU MOVE AND DON'T PAY BACK MONEY ON TIME!!! 
When I was 16 I was out stealing cars and tricking girls into playing strip Yahtzee. Twenty years later I can't pry my own son out of the house with a crowbar and a Playboy. His pimpley little butt has puckered itself to the floor in front of the television. I got news for you, Kid. When you meet that cute girl at Panda Express and you want to make a good impression, DOWN-CLICK-LEFT-LEFT-JUMP-SHIFT-KICK ISN'T GOING TO CUT IT!!!
How are these kids going to deal with the anal fissures I meet on a daily basis in the real world? What if one of these Playstation Primates grows up to be president? How is he going to deal with the next North Korean dictatorial windbag, Yum Suk Fat? When that nation of foreheads rolls out their nuclear warheads he's going to running around the Whitehouse looking for the Pause Game Button.
(I have to pause here for a moment because I'm writing this in a Barnes & Noble and a 60-year-old woman just sat down opposite me. She's wearing short dress and because her legs are cracked open like a pair of rusty scissors...I CAN SEE SHE'S NOT WEARING ANY UNDERWEAR! ARGH! IT LOOKS LIKE A ROTTING EASTER BASKET! CLOSE YOUR WORMHOLE YOU ANCIENT FREAK!!! NOW SHE'S EATING A SCONE! SWEET JESUS, IF I SEE A LINE OF ANTS CRAWLING OUT OF HER BAT CAVE I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF!!!!)
Anyway, Sony's got this new thing where you can meet people online and talk about games and stuff. I have to go home now and scrub my soul.
2 comments:
Yeah well, not sure if you've seen second life yet or not but check this shit out. Hell chick made a million bucks last year selling "virtual real estate"????
http://www.businessweek.com/magazine/content/06_18/b3982001.htm?chan=search
Thanks for the link, Count. These people are insane. I am at a loss for words. I would have thought the only market for this game is homeless people online at the library trying to forget their real lives.
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