Man With No Legs Kicks Starbucks Customer in Head

Yesterday the lines at Starbucks were out the door. People were running from blocks around to get into the place. You'd think they were paying off student loans in there or something. Now, I always go next door to our locally owned coffee shop because the barristas are nice, the customers like to talk to each other, and the shop itself doesn't seem bent on world domination. I look for that in my retailers.

But when everyone in town is running in one direction YOU DON'T JUST STAND THERE LIKE AN IDIOT! You run, jack, you run because Godzilla's going to tear off your head like a chocolate easter bunny if you don't.

So I'm running with the pack and looking over my shoulder for Gigan or Mothra or whatever rubber monster is about to crush downtown Seattle and where do I end up when the crowd of sweaty housewives and state workers finally comes to a halt? Starbucks! I just ran a 4-second forty to end up in the Brownbean Blowhole of the Universe!

Now I'm standing in line between Sheryl Crowe CD's and the latest European SuckPump Coffee Press when a little blonde girl in a green apron walks up and hands me a cup of coffee.

"What's this?" I ask.
"We're giving away free coffee today," Apron Girl says.
"Uh, howcome?"
"We just want to tell people about our product."

Tell people about your product? THERE ARE PYGMIES IN AFRICA EATING BRAINS FROM HUMAN SKULLS WHO HAVE A STARBUCKS TRAVEL MUG BACK AT THE HUT!!!

Pygmy Travel Mug

We know you sell coffee, Starbucks. We've got a pretty good handle on that. What I don't understand is why you're yelling "Free Coffee!" in downtown Seattle. I got three stockbrokers, a soccer mom, two hobos and a weird guy with no legs stepping on my head to get to your free cuppa joe. WHY DON'T YOU JUST YELL "SALT BATH!" IN A BURN WARD, YOU RETARD!

Every time you people move into the neighborhood you have to get a parade permit for opening day. Could you not have a sale on on the hot crack when I'm in town? I'm heading to a small town in eastern Washington this weekend and I don't feel like mullet surfing down Main street.

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Ticker Click: SBUX up almost a dollar today when Goldman Sachs says Starbucks is a "high quality company that offers tremendous long-term growth prospects," My neck brace comes off Tuesday. We'll see if they offer me any long-term growth prospects.


Best Coffee Commercial Ever!