After almost eight minutes of deep research I figured out the real reason Kraft came up with the Pop Tarts and Triscuits diet. I'm well into Coppola's Table Red right now so the logic might be a little jumbly but here's what's going on behind the scenes in the Fat-Free Kraft Singles lab and jacuzzi:
They didn't come up with this diet because they're stupid or whismsical. They created the "Beerfart Death Diet" because they're evil. Not evil in the way Capitol One jacks up your interest rate when you make a late payment on your electric bill kind of evil. I mean evil in the Susan Smith drown-your-kids-cause-you're-in-love-with-the-bagboy-at-The-Piggly-Wiggly kind of evil.
You see, Kraft is own by Altria which is the secret Illuminati name for Phillip Morris. Phillip Morris, of course, SITS AT THE BASE OF SATAN'S SPINE SUCKING BLOOD FROM THE EYES OF STILLBORN BABIES.
Am I being outrageous to juice the blog-o-meter? No, I'm serious. Phillip Morris has a condo in the seventh circle of hell where former Bank of America CEOs stabs oil executives with the bones of dead popes. We do not ask Phillip Morris for dietary advice for the same reason we don't ask Ron Jeremy to babysit the niece.
Listen to former Altria/Phillip Morris/Beezletumor CEO tell us how safe his cigarettes are:
Did you hear that? He just said that the smoke-sticks were as safe as applesauce, right? I DIDN'T IMAGINE THAT, RIGHT?!?! Smoking's like burping babies or snuggling up to Aunt Meemaw. Hey let's all head down to Chuck E. Cheese and do lines of applesauce on the Skeeball machines!
There is a special place in the Devil's playground where this guy's prostate is kicked around like a tetherball by Rwandan death squads. 
Unfortunately, I'm not sure how I should spend my breakfast money now. I don't ant to give Altria my Wheetabix money but I have to admit I'm hooked on Frosted Mini Wheats. If I could keep them lit I'd probably smoke them.
Sigh. The price of hypocrisy.
2 comments:
Leave any cereal with a small amount of sugar and milk attached to the side of a bowl over night to dry.
I did this as an experiment in college and found it to be stronger than Elmer's glue. Keep the wine flowing or it'll dry on your insides.
You're right about the overnight cereal on the bowl. I forgot about that. I have some on the sink right now I couldn't pry off with a chisel. Maybe they should glue the space shuttle heatshields on with Captain Crunch.
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