America's Dogs Too Fat to Lick Themselves

Pfizer. I'm putting all my money in Pfizer. These guys could sell Rolaids to a cannibal. Last month the FDA approved the company's newest super pill, Slentrol, a prescription drug for overweight dogs. IT'S A DIET PILL FOR DOGS!

It's bad enough we have a nation of lumbering pachyderms driving up healthcare costs. Now we can't even keep our dogs from overeating? How do you NOT keep your dog from overeating? Does Puddles have opposable thumbs? Is he getting into the doggie Ding Dong's while you sleep?

Depressed because his mother was a bitch


This man gave up and ate his dog

Also, have you ever tried to give a dog a pill? You need three arms, chainmail and a plunger. So you know how we're going to end up giving this diet pill to Little Fatty Boom Boom, right? WE'RE GOING TO HIDE IT IN A BOWL OF FOOD! Lonely housewives all over America will be feeding their yappy rat dogs extra food to keep them from eating extra food. Of course if it's a male dog they could buy it in a lotion and rub it on his balls.

This is how I give my dog a pill

Maybe the bigger question is how did the nation's dogs get so fat in the first place? I've never seen a dog eating a Big Mac. What the hell is going on here? Well, maybe it has something to do with this:

$250 doggy paddy wagon

If you listen close you can hear the catwhispering "Kill me. Please. Tie me in a bagand throw me off a bridge."

I think I see a solution here. Maybe if America's couch hippos would get out of the house and talk to people they wouldn't have to pretend their purebred Belgian Border Schnauzer is their best friend. MAYBE IF AMERICA'S TWO-LEGGED BUTTER LAPPERS WOULD STOP PAINTING THEIR PUPPY'S NAILS AND SPRAYING THEM WITH COLOGNE WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO WASTE TIME RESEARCHING SHIH TZU SLIMFAST!!!

Make sure your bulldog's lipstickmatches his nail polish

Dog perfumeWorld may be coming to end

I cannot go on. My dog thinks his butthole tastes like a lemony Lifesaver, why would I waste money on Collie Cologne? The real problem is people spending thousands of dollars on insulin for their pets while half of America doesn't have health insurance. Sigh. It's 11 am on a Sunday. I must go out and see if they sell liquor before noon in this town.

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Ticker Click: Pfizer may be at the bottom of a 7-year slide at $24.99. If they can talk us into buying these things they're capable of anything. Stay tuned.

Update: If your pet really needs to lose weight I recommend getting him Eukanuba, Iams, Paws, or any other food on the recall list that just came out. 40 different brands of pet food cause vomiting, kidney failure and death. Buy a quick bag and sue Menu Foods for killing your Samoyed, Peekaboo.


Wouldn't want to clean this cat's litterbox