Twenty percent? Are you kidding me? Who the hell drops 20% in one day?!?! Look, I know planning your wedding online is about as romantic as taking your honeymoon in the home furnishings department at Penney's but SWEET-JESUS-20-PERCENT-OFF-THE-TOP?!?!?! Profit-takers are running around like drunken mohels!!!*
And why the hell are you posting your quarterly reports this close to Valentines? Are you trying to be sexy? It's all about timing, you idiots! There's a reason you don't take an ice bath before an orgy. It tends to lower expectations!
Oh, by the way Wall Street, could you please not dump all your shares every time a company announces unexpected profits? The doors are still open knuckleheads! You've got your suspenders jacked up around your brain stems. The company's doing fine. Nobody's getting married this June? Dumping KNOT stock now is like running out on a blind date who turned out to be an 18-year-old sex addict with a degree in massage therapy.
Why the hell is everyone selling? Does somebody know something I don't? Am I supposed to unload these anorexic shares or not? HOW BAD DO YOU HAVE TO BE RUNNING YOUR WEDDING PLANNER COMPANY TO CRAP THE BED THE DAY BEFORE VALENTINES?!?!?!
All right, now I'm starting to wonder. How can a wedding company screw up on February 13th? Did Budweiser's stock drop 20% the day before St. Patrick's Day? No. Did Gas-Ex take a hit the day before Thanksgiving? No. Did Martha Stewart's stock take a dive the day before National Arrogant Hag Day? Well, yes. And that's the problem. What if KNOT turns into NOOSE?
I can't afford to take the old lady out for a nice dinner on Wednesday if my portfolio drops a load in it's pants on Tuesday. That was my flower money. Half my KNOT profit was going toward a weekend on the coast and a big box of chocolate-covered butter-rubbins or whatever the hell she eats. How am I supposed to get lucky if all I can afford is hot-plate Ramen and a crack house single with a view of the methadone clinic? You're killing me! I WENT FROM PENTHOUSE PEDICURE TO TOUCHING MYSELF IN A GREYHOUND BATHROOM!!!
That's it for KNOT. The Angry Stockbroker is buying a controlling interest in Divorce.com. I'll also be looking at Alimony.com, BallandChain.net and DaddyWentAway.org
* A mohel is the guy who does circumcisions in the Jewish faith. Now do you get it?
Tattoo You
1 year ago
3 comments:
This is really funny stuff if I could understand it.
Stay Angry, man! You're killing me!
OMG!!!! (yes, that's a ticker)
Even though I am a firm believer in KNOT hanging around pessimistic people, I think I am in love with you! Where have you been all my life???
WOW! (btw, is that a ticker?) Your humor has stolen my heart...
Now, let me ask... when you say "old lady", are you referring to your grandmother?
I sincerely hope so, cuz I am signing you and I up at the KNOT this very minute! Can you take a peek at your calendar and see what weekend works for you?
Wow again! I have to go take a cold shower now! ;)
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