P & G CEO Needs a Toaster in the Hot Tub

In yet another colossal corporate waste of time, Proctor & Gamble announced they were auctioning off a giant pair of disembodied legs. Yes, instead of reworking the recipe for Blue Scope, they're auctioning off a 16-foot-replica of Mariah Carey's legs on eBay. Yay! What are we selling next, PG? Steve Buscemi's dental molds? Anna Nicole's baby?

Maybe if you hadn't been wasting your time slapping papier-mache on the legs of that five-octave tweaker you would've realized that no one in America wants to eat your newest product: Szechuan Barbecue flavored Pringles. Where did you do the taste tests for these things, an opium den in Chinatown? And what about the new Cinnamon Sweet Potato Pringles? What the hell were you thinking there? Sweet potatoes...sweet potatoes...let's see how often do I have one those those? Oh, yeah, ONCE A YEAR AT THANKSGIVING! WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEAD AND COME OUT WITH A CRANBERRY SAUCE AND GIBLET CHIP!!!

Are you getting letters? Is that how you come up with these flavors? "Dear Proctor & Gamble, I was sitting here eating frog ears and goat teats and was wondering if you guys had any Szuchaun-flavored products in the pipeline? I'm sure they'd go great with the peppermint herring lips I'm having for lunch."

I'm not paying $65 a share for you guys to spend your R & D time thinking up new altered states potato chips. And I'm sure as hell not giving you my money so you can come up with more celebrity body parts to auction off on eBay. Shouldn't your lab assistants be test driving a new 75-blade vibrating razor or something?

Call me when the crack addict in charge of marketing comes up with Tuna Fish Crest flavor or the rechargeable asshair trimmer. I'll notify my broker.