Geosynchronous Orbiting Catholics and the Sound of NASCAR Crashing

Is anyone reaching for their wallet now that Sirius and XM are about to shack up together? How is this going to help anything? Over the last two years these stocks have fallen faster than Michael Richards' chances of getting booked at the Apollo. And now the two bozos in charge of Club Hindenberg are announcing they'll be the top two yokels in the new company. Is anyone listening here??? YOU CAN'T LET THE GRANDPARENTS RAISE THE CRACK BABY! THEY'RE THE ONES WHO SCREWED UP THE MOTHER IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!

Mel Karmazin should be running a hog auction in Gobbler's Knob, PA and Gary Parsons should be pulling prune duty at the Shaky Stools Retirement Home down the road. Do these guys have special suits made to carry their hippopotamus balls around? From May of 2000 to December of 2002 SIRI went from $59.37 to $0.54. Genius! They should replace their dog logo with a picture of a wheelchair at the bottom on the stairs. Since Karmazin's arrival in 2004 the stock has skyrocketed what 80 cents? When a single share of stock can't buy you a latte in Time's Square it's time to put on your pants and leave the party.

Does anyone out there have satellite radio? I've had Sirius for a year and desperately want to meet the water-brained program director who decides what channels get on the air. WHY DO WE HAVE TWO CATHOLIC CHANNELS?!?! How many times did Father Dugan have to touch you for you to need for TWO full-time guilt frequencies?

Is this the same guy who gave the green light to channel 192 Canadian Soft Rock? It's bad enough they've given us Brian Adams and Celine Dion. We went into Iraq on less than that. But now we have to listen to the Canadian version of England Dan & John Ford Coley? Why don't you just hit me in the face with a hockey puck right now. The sound of my teeth breaking would be better than the sound of soft Canadian rock.

And what throbbing jockstrap put sports on the Bloomberg channel??? Listen, folks, when I tune in to hear what Bernanke has to say about the prime lending rate I don't want to hear the third-quarter wrap-up from the North Bend Bedwetters - Alabama Butt Huffers game. A quick check of the XM lineup show six hockey channels and an Indy Car racing channel. That's seven channels for seven brain cells.

Sirius and XM have been created and maintained with all the wisdom and foresight of a leaky Magic 8-Ball. I'd let the autistic kid across the street check me for a hernia before I bought shares in either of these companies. Listen to Howard. Have some laughs. Keep your wallet in your pocket.

Disclosure: Sometimes I write jokes for the Howard Stern Show. When I say you should pass on the stock but go ahead and buy a Sirius Satellite radio and sign up for the two-year-deal I'm just being selfish and greedy.